The Coming Out Story Scott Hoying's Mom Had to Write

"I didn't have a roadmap. All I had was a son I loved and a voice inside telling me to keep walking toward him, not away," writes Connie Hoying movingly in her new book "The Untold Story of Scott Hoying, Pentatonix Star," about learning that her son is gay.

Scott's story is not that much different than a lot of gay men coming out to their parents and friends as a teenager. He told his parents when he was 17 – a senior in high school. They were accepting, but Connie told him to hold off before telling people for fear he'd be bashed. Sure enough, at a high school party, a homophobic football player called Scott slurs and threatened physical harm, but the other partygoers sent him walking – not Scott.

Even at that young age, Scott was on his way to a professional music career as a vocalist. Attending the University of Southern California (USC), he reunited with two high school chums, Mitch Grassi and Kirstin Maldonado, and recruited two others, Avi Kaplan (bass) and Kevin Olusola (beatboxer), to form the a cappella quintet Pentatonix. In 2011, they went on the third season of the NBC reality competition show "The Sing Off" and won. YouTube fame and record deals followed.

Pentatonix has shown that a cappella music groups can go mainstream. Over their career, they have sold millions of albums and amassed billions of streams. They have won three Grammy Awards, Billboard Music Awards, and, most importantly for Scott, Outstanding Music Artist from the GLAAD Media Awards in 2019. Since reaching celebrity status, Scott and his bandmate Mitch Grassi have been role models for many. Together they formed the spin-off group Superfruit, which creates edgier queer content that they post on YouTube.

EDGE spoke to Connie and Scott Hoying about what inspired her to write the book, his apprehensions of her doing so, and what mistakes she has made as a queer ally.

EDGE: What inspired you to write this book?

Connie Hoying: Over the years, I have been asked by many parents, teachers, and even strangers what I did to help Scott achieve his dreams. I've even had executive producers and directors with whom Scott's been involved ask the same question. Many of those same people have told me that I should write a book. I'm not an author, and it's a huge undertaking, so I didn't consider it.

But after I retired, and after Scott got married, I thought maybe I could write a book. Our lives have had a lot of interesting things, and I can talk about all the things that Scott has done throughout the years. Music was his world from age four, and that's what he wanted to do. After coming home from a concert with his dad at age four, he said, "Mom, I know what I want to do. I want to sing for people all over the world and make them happy."

So, right after his wedding in August 2023, I started writing stories and didn't stop until I wrote this book. A lot of the inspiration was just people asking me to.

EDGE: Were you nervous when your mom told you she would write a book about you?

Scott Hoying: Honestly, I was more excited than nervous. My mom has been incredibly supportive of me my whole life – she's an expert in all things Scott Hoying. Seeing how passionate she got about writing the book was really sweet. She would call me excitedly daily with updates about people she interviewed or memories she was revisiting. It became this fun trip down memory lane, and her joy and excitement made me feel so loved and seen. It was honestly inspiring.

EDGE: Coming out can be both beautiful and challenging. Can you share a bit about your coming-out journey?

Scott Hoying: It was definitely both. I'm so grateful and lucky to have a family that loved and supported me when I came out – that's not something every queer person gets to experience. But it was still really challenging. When you're a kid carrying a secret that no one knows – not even your parents – it can feel incredibly isolating. You think, "These people love me... but they don't know the real me." So, you start to wonder if anyone truly loves you as you really are. That's a lonely place to live. But that made it all the more beautiful when I came out and was met with love and acceptance from my family and friends.

EDGE: Tell us about any initial mistakes you made, and how other parents can avoid them.

Connie Hoying: The first thing I said was, "I love you so much, and nothing is going to change that." But I also said, "Do you think you could hold off before you start telling people?" At the time, he was a senior, 17, almost 18. I said that because of my fear of him being suddenly discriminated against and bullied at school. Not long after that, something did happen. It seeped out that he was gay. He was at a party, and a football player called him a horrible slur and said, "Get out or I'll beat your ass." But everybody at the party told the football player to get out, and they made him leave.

I knew he wanted a life in the public, and I wanted to protect him. At the time, I didn't know if he would be accepted. After I said that, Scott said, "No, Mom. That was not a mistake. You had your fears." As a parent, when you think back, there are always moments that you feel could have been handled better, and there were a few of them, but there were things I know I did right.

EDGE: When Scott came out, how did that affect your journey to allyship?

Connie Hoying: I would say that I wanted to help him navigate it, and to help him do whatever he needed at that moment. I always try to be there for him when he needs me, and be there for others. I want parents to read because I feel it's helpful. Scott knows we're there for him, including his two sisters and dad. We all love him tremendously, and we love Mark, his husband.

EDGE: Many queer fans see you as an inspiration. How does knowing your openness and authenticity help others feel seen?

Scott Hoying: It means everything to me. One of my biggest missions in life is to be visibly queer – and proud of it – so that kids and queer people everywhere can see that being out doesn't mean you can't thrive. That's why I'm always showing love publicly – whether for my husband, community, or myself.

Growing up, I didn't have many queer people to look up to. I didn't have social media, and I didn't see people like me in the media. So, I want to be what I didn't have. If I can help even one person feel less alone, then it's all worth it.

Watch the video to "Pray"

EDGE: What has Scott told you about being a parent?

Connie Hoying: The love you feel for your children is just amazing. You love your other family, you love your husband, but there's something about the love of a child that is so incredible to me as a mom. For me, that's been the most important thing ever. One thing he has taught me is to always aspire to do more. Scott is creative, and he works hard. That is one of the reasons I think I wrote the book, because he is inspirational and inspires me. I see how hard he works, and how big his dreams are. That has been good for me. There are a lot of reasons why I wrote this book, but it was his inspiration that helped me.

EDGE: The book includes exclusive access to an unreleased song, "Pray." Can you tell us about the song?

Scott Hoying: Yes! "Pray" is about how ridiculous the idea of "praying the gay away" is. Being gay isn't something that can – or should – be changed. It's a beautiful part of who we are.

The song lightheartedly satirizes that concept in a fun, joyful way. It's a big, bouncy, gospel-pop anthem, and, honestly, it's the most joyous way I could reclaim a really painful part of my past. I tried to pray the gay away once, and spoiler alert: It didn't work. I should've never felt like I had to try in the first place. This song is about owning that, laughing a little, healing a lot – and dancing through it all.

EDGE: What would it be if you had to choose one life lesson you want the reader to take away?

Connie Hoying: What's important is love, acceptance, support, and positivity. Those things can change lives and send a person in the right direction. Negativity will hurt them.

As a parent, when your child comes out to you, make sure you handle it in the right way, because if you do not, your child is the one who will suffer.

"The Untold Story of Scott Hoying, Pentatonix Star" is available now.

For more on Connie Hoying, visit her Instagram page.